1. Keep It Simple. No one has time to flip through a thesaurus or the brain cells to figure out what the hell you’re trying to say when you tell your spouse, “Your magnanimous penis gives me fervent pleasure.” Just say something like, “Your dick makes me hot,” and continue on. Any type of penis talk that has something to do with its large size, long length, and amazing “power that is unmatched by anything in this universe” usually works pretty well.
   
2. Never Ask Questions. Always keep your statements in the affirmative. If you ask something like, “Tell me what you want,” chances are I’d tell you, “A big cheese steak and 14 hours of sleep,” and we all know what that does to an erection. Start everything with “I want you to…” so there will be no question that you want a fucking orgasm now.
   
3. Be Literal. Analogies can be the death of any man’s chances with a woman. “Your voice sounds just like Nancy Grace” might be a compliment for some woman in the remote sections of Mississippi, but in my neck of the woods, something like that will leave you with a couple of blue balls. The same goes for women – don’t compare your husband to anyone. “Your pecs look just like Brad Pitt's” will make them think you’re lying and that will open up a whole can of very bad worms.
   
4. Use Your Real Voice. While it might be difficult, make every attempt to use your own voice as opposed to some weird variation that may have taken over your body since having children. The high-pitched excited mommy voice says sex just as well as Gilbert Godfrey telling you to take off all your clothes.
   
5. Never Underestimate the Power of a Groan. Just make sure they are strategically placed (like when your spouse is actually in the room), don’t sound like anything that would come out of your kid’s mouth, and are dissimilar to anything that comes out of your mouth during labor or when you’re taking a shit.

Mominatrix logo by Karen Rani