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The Cone: Not Just for Soft Serve Anymore
By Kristen Chase |
August 31, 2007
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Read more: mominatrix, sex, sex toys, cone, vibrators
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 I’d like to think that parents don’t need kid-friendly sex toys. Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I need a dildo that moonlights as a teether. And while the idea of a vibrator that has a lullaby setting doesn’t sound like such a bad idea, there’s no need for everything I own to be kid-approved.
However, when you have nosy children who rustle through your drawers and pull out Little Paul, a sex toy that doesn’t scream gigantic vibrating penis might not be such a bad thing. Quite frankly, it’s way easier to lie about something shaped like a cone than something that bears a strong resemblance to daddy’s schlong.
I’m fairly certain the makers of the Cone weren’t aiming to market specifically to parents, but it’s definitely a perk being able to just nod “yes” to your daughter when she asks about your new pink party hat. I can barely explain what a real penis is, let alone try to get my daughter to understand why mommy has a fake vibrating one in her drawer. But with the Cone, you can display it proudly, or better, use it as part of your already kid-friendly décor. Since you’ve probably already got tons of plastic shit lying around your house, the Cone fits right in. And as they tout on their website, “no need to hide it when company comes over.”
Just hope the company doesn’t find the 16 different pleasure settings.
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The unconventional shape of the cone makes for total hands free pleasure. This definitely comes in handy when you’re breastfeeding at 3am, doing your afternoon yoga, or writing a mmm, oh, yeah sex column.
As parents we know how important multitasking can be, so if I can eat breakfast with my baby in a sling and get an orgasm, then I’ve saved myself an extra seven minutes that I can use to clean up my daughter’s train set for the 14th time or shit, even shower.
Plus there’s something to be said about making the most mundane activities highly pleasurable. I almost look forward to folding the laundry. And scrubbing the bathtub takes on a whole new meaning.
But aside from self-pleasure, the beauty of the Cone is that you can please yourself while pleasing your spouse. It definitely takes a bit of strength and flexibility at first, but once you get the hang of it, the prospect of giving head becomes just a bit more titillating because you’ve got the Cone doing work on you at the same time you’re working on your spouse. And really, who has time to offer up blow jobs these days without getting anything in return?
If you’re a penetration kind of person the Cone can be a bit frustrating, and it can get a bit awkward when used in the missionary masturbation position. However, once you master it (as demonstrated on their website), the Cone definitely gives your arms a break. Plus straddling something that doesn’t grunt when you hop on can be a turn-on in and of itself.
Another benefit to the Cone is that it provides a nice alternative to the "finger-in-the-ass" for either party involved. And if you sit on it strategically, it can stimulate both your clitoris and your anus, thus providing for some very interesting sensations without having you or your partner’s own appendages involved. I deal with enough assholes on a daily basis; it’s nice to let something else do your dirty work for you.
At $100, it might seem a bit steep for a sex toy, but if you’re looking for an equal opportunity pleaser the Cone is clearly the way to go. Besides, the lower settings turn it into a pretty effective crib vibrator. Hands-free orgasms and a sleeping baby – how can you put a price on that?
4/5 whips; Available here
You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.
Mominatrix logo by Karen Rani
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