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The "new and improved" "Zagat Survey for Parents".
By Kelley Cunningham |
July 1, 2005
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The Playground by the Soccer Field |
Food |
Decor |
Service |
Cost |
N/A |
1.0 |
N/A |
Free |
This playground is fenced in but has “only one overripe porta-john for a bathroom” so if you’re kid is potty-training “forget it”. There’s a “bird poop-encrusted tire swing” and it’s crowded on Saturdays with “divorced dads who have their kids visiting”. Don’t go on hot days because then “the mulch they put down really stinks”. Watch out for “teens having sex in the covered slide” unless you’re prepared to have “the talk”. Beware of the “undisciplined tough kids hogging the baby slide”, and the “gossiping throng of nannies” on the benches too busy to notice their charges’ rotten behavior. But the playground is “next to the train tracks” so your little boy can “watch trains go by ‘til his brains fall out”. It’s also next to the public basketball courts so be prepared to hear some language that “will really curl your motherfuckin’ hair”. Ya know what I’m sayin’, “dawg?”
| The McDonald’s on the Highway | Food | Decor | Service | Cost |
-4.0 |
1.8 |
0.00001 |
$ |
This McDonald’s “isn’t as filthy” as the one up at the mall food court, but “the johns are worse” so make sure your kids “pee before they go”. The help is only “mildly surly”, but the fellow diners “tend toward the cretinous”. At all costs “avoid the fun zone”, as the ball pit “reeks of urine” and the glass windows turn it into a “greenhouse/petri dish of rhinovirus culture”. If you must go or your kid will have a “total shitfit”, be sure to bring a change of clothes as the “vomit aroma” will cling to your darling for hours.
The Local Warehouse Store |
Food |
Decor |
Service |
Cost |
3.0 |
2.0 |
1.2 |
¢ |
There is “no good time” to come here. Even if you’re the first one in at opening time your “hopes of a quick escape will be dashed” as there will be “only one cashier open” with a line ten carts deep. Avoid the toilet paper displays. “No one needs 64 rolls” unless you’re an Osmond or a Kennedy. Instead “head straight to the personal products aisle”. Put the “300-count carton of tampons” at the bottom of your cart. You can cover it up in the next aisle with the “vat of ranch dressing” thereby avoiding embarrassment. Casually breeze past the “free samples of cooked sausage, cheese puffs and corndogs”. With practice you can “feed your kids lunch while you shop” and “kill two birds with one stone”.
The Supermarket |
Food |
Decor |
Service |
Cost |
√5 |
2.5 |
N/A |
$ |
The supermarket that was “featured on Sixty Minutes for changing meat expiration dates” is convenient, and “doesn’t smell as bad as it used to.” The “carts tend to stick together”, but the challenge of separating them provides a “satisfying diversion” as well as “much-needed exercise”. Head right to the fresh veggies. If you’re lucky “the water spray will come on while you bag green beans”, giving the kids a thrill. Your kids will also love “sticking their fingers into the plastic-wrapped ground beef”. Luckily “the candy aisle is right there” so you can get them lollipops to “shut them the hell up”. Go to the checkout at the end with “the Star Magazine that’s torn but still readable”. The “raptor-taloned cashiers” are “pure evil”, so “don’t even try” to make small talk. Watch numbly as your kids “re-arrange the Lifesaver display”. When you’re done “maneuver past the Senior Citizens Bus” blocking the door, while “avoiding the crabby seniors”. When you get home wash your hands, since more colds are transmitted by “revolting shopping cart handles” than anything else.
The PTA Meeting |
Food |
Decor |
Service |
Cost |
1.0 |
0.2 |
0.3 |
Your free time |
“Don’t go on budget nights”. Try to “sit near the back” for quick escapes. Whatever you do, “don’t sign up for anything”. If they pressure you, “tell them to call you next week”. If that doesn’t work, just say you can “make cupcakes for the bake sale”. Never, repeat, “never volunteer for lunchroom supervision duty”. You don’t want to know what goes on in there. If there’s a guest speaker “bring along a good book”. If you see a friend “don’t sit next to her”. You’ll be shushed for whispering to each other. Wait until tomorrow to “compare gossip about the real nut-job moms”. Sprinkle your conversation with terms like “curriculum and phonics” so it “looks like you know what you’re talking about”. If you’re asked to “comment on needed improvements to the school,” bring up the “terrible condition of the boys’ bathroom.” You “can’t go wrong” with that one.
The Home Depot |
Food |
Decor |
Service |
Cost |
2.0 |
3.0 |
1.11… |
$$$$ |
See if you can “grab one of those huge rolling cart thingys” so the kids can have a ride. Might as well pick up a box of “60 watt light bulbs”. Why the hell not? Hoping to find an employee to help you is “like Waiting For Godot”, so amuse the kids in the plumbing department by letting them “sit on the display toilets”. Be prepared to explain to the kids “the difference between potty and putty” amid “guffaws from the kids” and disapproving looks from other “hopelessly lost, aimlessly wandering customers”. Once you finally find the drawer for the screws you need “it will be empty”. If you get to the parking lot without “losing one of your kids in the storm door section”, consider yourself lucky. If you realize “you forgot the sandpaper,” which is what you went there for in the first place, “go home and call a contractor”.
Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com.
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| Kelley Cunningham is a writer, award-winning artist, weekend poet, and an art director in children's publishing. Her work has been published in Brain,Child, Mamalicious, and The Funny Times. She has illustrated five books for children. A sampling of her amazing art talent can be seen at her website. Kelley lives in Pennsyltucky with her three wonderful sons. |
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